Thursday, November 02, 2006

Of exams and preparations!

Have been bitten by this bug from my undergrad days.. I don't feel nervous at all before an exam.. how much ever unprepared I might be!

People might say.. that's a great thing... but the problem seems to arise when I end up remaining unpreprepared because I am not worried about the exam.. Maybe the times when the situation was still manageable and I'd pass despite a half an hour preparation have internalized this 'i don't wanna prepare' as a habit.

Maybe being a six pointer for an extended period does this to you. On one side.. it makes you quite carefree.. which normally might be a good thing.. but on the other side.. it probably also takes away the competitive spirit or the killer instinct.. which instilled the desire to compete and excel.

Was wondering yesterday, about the last time I'd actually pitted myself against someone and really felt competitive and put in a life of effort into beating the world. Couldn't recall any!

Guess.. motivation and passion are to be important factors that drive a person to work hard and to excel... and for academics.. I lack both of these! The first term at MBA.. i tried a change of habits.. which sustained till the first half.. and i was happily above average in all courses.. but then the disillusionment struck again.. I didn't see myself getting anywhere with them.. or even enjoying studying the books too much.. consequence.. the end term performance neutralized the mid terms.. and i'm back to being a six pointer.. somewhat around the average.

Then.. i wondered if for any reason.. I should feel obliged to be studying hard.. meaning.. I'm here.. far away from home.. actually an unpleasant thing for my folks.. now all the more for mom.. then reasoned that I'm here to gain something for myself.. does that necessarily have to be great academic grades? I believe not. So I formulated a policy for myself that I'll study the subjects that I like with good interest.. and maybe even go beyond the course requisites.. but the others.. I'm not gonna worry.. not that I was worrying earlier.. I'm just gonna ensure that I'll pass them!

having come all this far.. i'm positive passing the courses won't be that big a problem.. all I have to do now is to do away with those momentary pangs of sadness at the time of the results.. when my grades might or might not be that great. It's not like I'd put in loads of effort and I didn't get a commensurate return! Even if it is that way.. guess i'm sufficienty happy convincing myself about my level of effort and the knowledge gained.. the grades will have to take care of themselves.. and I'm going to be the least bothered!
I give a DAMN!
Something to which I SHOULD give a damn is the basic premise that this lack of passion doesn't extend to the other domains of my life.. and I do not end up losing the killer competitive instinct in other streams of life! Haven't we constantly observed that the people with the excelling spirit.. would do well in all spheres.. and the loss of this instinct.. makes people losers in all areas.. and ultimately they'd end up losing faith in themselves!
Yes, it's ideal to be not obsessed with the results and be liberal with your efforts.. but then if you lose.. it doesn't matter how well you played.. so you gotta play to win.. Of course.. the basis is that I should choose the game I'm gonna win!
Am reminded of the idea that 'Don't run away from something, if you're running towards something, you'll do fine'
The game called Life! That's the one I'm gonna win.. but then.. probably without beating.. coz there need be no losers... it's a game which I'm playing against time.. and against all my weaknesses.. that's what I'm pitted against.. and an entire life is going to be spent on building the arsenal!
to bring in anohter cliche... I'm not here to win a battle.. I'm here to win the WAR.

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