Friday, October 07, 2005

Grappling with Existential angst.. you're not alone!

This one is with someone who’s company moved her to NY recently..She looked like she'd love to hang around with people there.. however.. even this person.. who’s lately graduating from thinking about career to thinking about the life at large.. seems to be suffering from our own very usual phenomenon!

A provocative status message initiated me into it.. and soon enough.. we were into what neither had originally intended to talk about!

Wanderer: so.. how's it going with NY.. and with the New Yorkers..
Wanderer: I to still hang around with the same old bunch.. the lesser mortals
A Thinker : hehe
A Thinker : not lesser mortals
A Thinker : u guys are better off
A Thinker : am feeling very i dunno…
A Thinker : blue

Wanderer: ok..what's happened all of a sudden?
Wanderer: missing your mom ?
A Thinker : i speak to her every other day.
Wanderer: then..??
Wanderer: missing old friends from here?
A Thinker : not quite yaar.. Shreya and Madhur are here with me anyway..
Wanderer: then what's the issue??
A Thinker : just u know lots of friendly ppl around but still alone syndrome
Wanderer: does that have to do with being in a foreign land?
A Thinker : I don't think so!

Wanderer: then what's it?
Wanderer: looking for a boyfriend?
A Thinker : hehe
A Thinker : no not really
A Thinker : more like soul mate
Wanderer: well..
Wanderer: that's more or less the same.. isn't it?
A Thinker : nah
A Thinker : i dont believe in boyfriend stuff
Wanderer: well..
A Thinker : too kiddish very hollow
Wanderer: what do you believe in then?
A Thinker : its i just dont approve of a concept of boyfriend girlfriend
A Thinker : as in at least the words sound ridiculous
A Thinker : why can’t ppl term it as mates or buddies or good friends
Wanderer: that pretty much depends on how you define each of these
Wanderer: ppl have the right to have their own definitions
Wanderer: so do you
Wanderer: so why don't you tell me your definitions??
A Thinker : sorry but guess am not in the best of moods am in a very philosophical mood
A Thinker : and why do u have to name a relation
A Thinker : why cant everyone just appreciate the essence
A Thinker : i dont mind haveing nameless relations

Wanderer: you're turning me on
Wanderer: on the mental side i mean..
A Thinker : Thanks for clarifying that !
A Thinker : someone who is there with you to share your life as it happens as in for whatever time they are they they share it

A Thinker : see these small things make so much of a differnece and generally if you're fixed in your daily routine you wud miss it in real life

A Thinker : its like we are all running and running getting caught in a vicious circle and really heading nowhere

Wanderer: well.. I lie in the center of the universe.. so no running around for me!
Wanderer: I like to think that way!
A Thinker : :-)

Wanderer: i wonder.. you claim to be into philosophy.. and you still feel lonely!
A Thinker : see not lonely in that sense
Wanderer: my alter ego gives good company that ways
A Thinker : lonely in the sense i have no one to share this with
Wanderer: share what?
A Thinker : even now i have to be verbose and tell it to you
A Thinker : wanna be in a state where even that is not required
A Thinker : just be at peace
Wanderer: so.. what's the search for?
Wanderer: someone who'd make it like that
Wanderer: or you wanna be at the end of this existential angst?

A Thinker : share my thought of being lonely
Wanderer: don't worry.. it's not all that uncommon!
Wanderer: just about everyone has it..

Wanderer: you seem to be looking for something/someone..
Wanderer: waiting for something to happen
Wanderer: or someone to enter your life..
Wanderer: and you feel.. he/she would take away these lonely moments from you..
A Thinker : as in
A Thinker : latter i guess
Wanderer: which is true.. in relationships
Wanderer: you get to think of loneliness when you're alone
A Thinker : no
A Thinker : i ain’t finding myself
A Thinker : am getting a little overwhelmed by the possibility that my I doesn’t know my me

A Thinker : i dont want a relationship
Wanderer: and when you're seriously into someone.. you can't be alone.. coz they're always with you!
Wanderer: in thoughts at least!
A Thinker : just wanna know myself
A Thinker : hmm
A Thinker : dunno
A Thinker : guess just a phase will pass
A Thinker : am seriously thinking of quitting my job
A Thinker : it aint giving me any mental kick any longer

Wanderer: go to kailash parbat
Wanderer: meditate..
Wanderer: introspect
Wanderer: find out what your really want
Wanderer: seek your truth
Wanderer: find what motivates you..
Wanderer: energizes you..
Wanderer: and drives your desire!
Wanderer: figure out what's gonna quench the thirst within
A Thinker : hmm go to kailash parbat, not a bad idea! :-))

A Thinker : but i need to find my fountain guess have been putting it off for too long now.
Wanderer: ?
A Thinker : guess will continue my thought process
A Thinker : but don’t know when I’d be able to take some action..
A Thinker : i don’t think i can carry on this way for too long..
Wanderer: hmm..
Wanderer: join me in writing a book..
Wanderer: on the existential angst facing the current generation..
Wanderer: about the thousand desires..
A Thinker : hmm wat do u wanna write about hazaroan kwah
Wanderer: about the eternal confusion
A Thinker : ok cant type the spelling but u get what i mean

Wanderer: I’d told you of that healthcare thing for everyone..
Wanderer: that's one desire
Wanderer: I have a million others like that
Wanderer: which ones to pursue?
Wanderer: which ones to abandon?
Wanderer: where do i see myself ten years from now?
Wanderer: how would I end up?
Wanderer: what are my dreams?
Wanderer: would the pressures force me to abandon them?
A Thinker : hmm
A Thinker : same here
Wanderer: will expectations take a toll on my life?
Wanderer: what relationships are in store for me?
Wanderer: ............................. a series of endless questions.
Wanderer: All this is what I define as existential angst
Wanderer: and you don't have to feel lonely as a sufferer of this
Wanderer: ..
A Thinker : hmm
A Thinker : sounds familiar territory

Wanderer: virtually.. every second individual..
Wanderer: at this stage of his life..
Wanderer: is grappling with the fear that he might die waiting for something to happen..
Wanderer: the something that would change his life.. and give him a genuine reason to look forward to every new day!

A Thinker : hmm where were you all this time
A Thinker : those are my exact thoughts
Wanderer: I've been in here..trying to understand myself better..
Wanderer:.. and out there.. trying to understand life better!

Wanderer: babes.. you knew all this all the time
Wanderer: just never thought of putting it all in words

Wanderer: so where do we go from here?
Wanderer: now that we've identified the problem.. and also put it in words
A Thinker : guess we need to do some introspection first
Wanderer: I'd be more for experimentation
Wanderer: you know..
Wanderer: after this realization
Wanderer: you can't anymore run away from paying attention to this question
Wanderer: unless you get into intoxications
Wanderer: the seeming meaningless-ness of the whole thing.. and the endless wait..
Wanderer: motivates a lot of people into constant indulgence..
Wanderer: with drugs/drinks/sex.....

A Thinker : as in we know where we want to go
A Thinker : but guess we need to be sure about it first
A Thinker : guess that’s how we learn
A Thinker : we are constantly experimenting and evolving
A Thinker : hmm
A Thinker : tell me
Wanderer: no we are not experimenting
Wanderer: and we're not trying to evolve either!
Wanderer: in fact..
Wanderer: often we'd be too scared to jump at the opportunity life offers us!
Wanderer: or too busy with mundanities to pay attention to it!

Wanderer: ok.. dinner time for me in ten mins
Wanderer: so talk quick
A Thinker : have you tried to indulge yourself yet?
Wanderer: As in?
A Thinker : just kidding,
A Thinker : am never game for it
A Thinker : and besides..I have other ideas on indulgence than yours...
A Thinker : we can do it by going deeper into ourselves
A Thinker : and getting a solution
A Thinker : i read it in some book
A Thinker : the solution is already there
A Thinker : we just need to find it
A Thinker : in my case
A Thinker : i seem to be postponing it indefinitely
A Thinker : okies
A Thinker : nah you go have dinner
A Thinker : no point rushing up

Wanderer: hmm.
Wanderer: try what? indulgence?
Wanderer: if you're talking of the drugs etc....
Wanderer: that's an endless thing.
Wanderer: you can't then come out of it.. coz you'll get too deeply buried in depression
A Thinker : going deeper in ourselves
A Thinker : no
A Thinker : no ways
A Thinker : not drugs baba
A Thinker : wanna keep it clean

A Thinker : i want to get a mental high
A Thinker : some kind of mental orgasm
Wanderer: well..
Wanderer: that can come in two ways
Wanderer: intellectual masturbation.. or intellectual copulation!
Wanderer: you gotta figure out what's the way for you!
A Thinker : need a mate for the latter
Wanderer: did you give anyone a shot?
A Thinker : there are very few or rather rare ppl who do the latter or I haven’t come across many
Wanderer: alright.. in that case, do with the former till you can find one for the latter.
Wanderer: !
A Thinker : i guess
A Thinker : but
Wanderer: ?
Wanderer: so the time comes for a barrage of questions
Wanderer: but hey.. that's when you embark on the journey
Wanderer: before that..
Wanderer: the set of instructions is done i guess.

A Thinker : hmm kinda didnt get u tehre
Wanderer: it's like..
Wanderer: when you're given a task..
Wanderer: and a set of instructions..
Wanderer: you read the instructions..
Wanderer: have few doubts.
Wanderer: which are cleared...
Wanderer: you hardly get any more doubts before you embark upon the journey
Wanderer: but once you do..
Wanderer: you have a barrrage of them!
A Thinker : and while you perform the task
A Thinker : they come in torrents
A Thinker : more like teething problem you have in whatever u reach out to do
Wanderer: ?
Wanderer: ok..
Wanderer: i'll go eat now
Wanderer: catch ya later
A Thinker : thanks sweetheart
A Thinker : u have a nice dinner
A Thinker : c ya later

The conversation ended thus.. and so did the thirst.. went away into dormancy for some time.. to make space in my mind for tables of 14 and 17!


Thursday, October 06, 2005

Just Another day!

I was supposed to finish up the geometry BRM yesterday.. which i conveniently postponed for another day.. and oh so suddenly, i realize that the last fifty pages are answers and solutions.. so i'm pretty much done already!!
such things really make for great pleasant surprises!

Just yesterday, I was in the middle of some chapter.. and had to attend my guide's talk on 'Dumping and its consequences, policies et al..' i'd told him I was most likely to attend.. (you don't refuse your guide straightaway ever.. do you)

Come evening and I'm told that the guys at Teach-me are gonna be a little short of volunteers.. and asked if I could fill in. With geometry filling my mind to the brim.. and the guide's talk on the cards.. i had to decline!

Ten mins later.. I realize that I'm not all that interested in dumping.. and that I'd had too much of geometry for the afternoon.. so I should go out and do some teaching! Here I go.. on another teaching rampage :-)

The task this time is much difficult, though seemingly simpler as I have to teach maths to two 4th and 5th class kids! But then.. the books are in marathi.. and the numericals are all in hindi... so though with some effort, I could make out the numbers.. it became too daunting to figure out what was being asked.. addition? subtraction? greater than less than? WHAT?????

Somehow got to understand what those kids already knew.. then got one of them into writing tables.. as many of them as he knew. The other one.. couldn't stop smiling all the time!! Ok.. what do i teach him?? I don't know what he knows. and he doesn't tell me what he doesn't know so I could teach him.. HELP!!!!

So, I took his notes copy.. found out a hindi poem, made him read it..asking him to get fluent with it.. and practice it.. till he got better..

He only improved a little..but at the same time.. while teaching the tables to the other guy..I ended up speaking tables in marathi!! Interestingly, that kid mugged up tables of 7 and 8 in less than 20 mins altogether..

I wondered if he could help me with learning 14 and 17 tables?

Not too early but not so late either.. I had to go to my usual obsession.. how would they introduce themselves and all that..

So that was 'Amit' and 'Akshay' for you!

On my front, I read the promotional prologue of Chetan Bhagat's new book.. something that's got more to do with the lives of youth at large..

How much I want to write a book myself.. and that dream of finishing it before I graduate.. unlikely it seems.. too many things at hand!

So till I get to write a book.. guess I gotta indulge myself with these blogs themselves!

jaane kya dhoondhta hai yeh mera dil.........

wandering mind.. wandering soul..

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

The Genesis of the CAT success story!

I guess it’s time I start penning down my success story with CAT 2005.
This deserves to be blogged!

Ok.. don’t start jumping in your seat, its 5th October today and there’s a month and a half to go for CAT 2005.

My status of preparation is something I am trying to comprehend.. but after having given twelve Mocks.. my score is 47 with some arbit percentile which hasn’t been put up yet!

Thankfully, I have finally managed to get the reading material in Quant and DI.. so won't feel unprepared in either of these in future! I'm always allowed to screw up still.....

Ppl around me, as always are cracking bigtime.. and I seem to get a little or maybe a lot lost in quant and DI though verbal was an easy 30!

Rohit Singh-61.. Ashvit 63.. Vikranth 75.. Jindal 48…

Should I be depressed?

Should I give up the idea of appearing for CAT??

Well.. not yet! Abhi to zindagi baaki padi hai :-)

Cheers! to the next AIMCAT!