Sunday, April 16, 2006

Aye Saala!

There's something about being a six pointer.. which.. if it gets to you.. is a troublesome thing to handle.... and then very difficult to leave..

It's got something to do with what Akio Morita talked about as mental laziness.. That is, if for a prolonged period of time, you really haven't been working hard on anything at all.. you end up losing the capacity to work hard! and then it's kinda difficult to one day out of the blues crack anything in life....

For someone who's become habitual to being a loser at academics.. someone who's learnt to live with low grades.. become immune to the ashaming glances of the professors... kept himself out of any kind of academic discussions.. (considering himself underqualified to comment on them) for someone whose social life gets affected when he carries the label of a mediocre academic around.. and when people also start to see him in that light.. no one's surprised at yet another screw up by him..

When his father starts questioning if he doesn't want to do IAS because of an escapist tendency... that is.. he doesn't intend to work hard.. or if he's not sure if he'll make it... He's so afraid of the failure that he doens't want to write the exam in the first place...

And then failures at job interviews.. where no one's willing to buy that 'not interested in the subject' theory... they lead you into the gloomy world of a lesser mortal existence!

but then.. the worst is when he begins to lose his faith in himself.... and starts to wallow in the royal abandon.. consciously turning his head away from the tough things in life.. and humoring himself by living in the 'ditch!' philosophy.

Guess it's a psychological vicious circle.... one thing leads to another.. and like a phoenix that is bound to rise only from ashes.. you see yourself fathoming hte greatest of depths.. but then goodness prevails.. your hope and your faith survives the juggernauts from all directions.. then you break the shackles... and reaffirm your own faith in yourself.. and then you begin to see.. that the world trusted you all the time.. those who didn't.. were the once who hardly cared... and the ones who hardly mattered!

The world knew you would make it! Only you didn't! Guess that's what they mean in the psychological theories of projecting your state of mind onto the others.. and see everything in a particular light!

Ab galti meri thi.. ya situation ki.. ya kissi aur ki.. par ab situation rectify hone ke baad thoda achchha lagta hai.. the faith is regained.. although the exalted feeling of having succeeded bigtime is missing.. (probably because it doesnt' seem big enough.. after having made it)... anyway.. that story will go on in another entry.... meanwhile..

Aye Saala.. abhi abhi hua yakin.. ke aag hai.. mujhmein kahin!



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