Thursday, July 20, 2006

Living a Dream... the genesis...

It's been on my mind.. for a lot of time... to pen down my thoughts as a young man facing the dilemma that's life... from the time i was at IIT.. I wanted to write a book about the existential angst that faces the young boy and girl of today.. the immense amount of choices.. the apparent conflicts.. the loss of age old principles... the desire and yet the incapability to get away from the rat race.. to do what you want to do in life.. to LIVE A DREAM..

Procrastination.. which is second nature to most of us.. has been with me as well.. but it had to start somewhere.. and somehow.. and I happened to find this sheet of paper on which I'd penned down my own angst sitting on the last bench of a lecture at IIT... some years back.. thought it might be an appropriate thing to start with.

Questioning oneself and Providence.. isn't this where it starts??

Here we go!

I know I’m looking for something but I can’t find it. The reason for that is the fact that I’m not very clear about what I really want. I’m more than willing to go overboard and outta my way to pursue my passion but what’s my passion?

Nothing seems to amuse me. The disconcerting monotony seems to be taking a toll on my energy and enthusiasm. I’m seeking an answer to the most fundamental question-Why do I live? So is this a phase of depression looming over me? Or am I heading towards the anhedonic school of stoicism? I like to call myself a workaholic and a lazy lump at the same time and have actually proved both of these. I want to do something that keeps me so busy that I have no time to think about myself and about the depressing monotony of life, be always short of sleep so I don’t lie on the best without rather heavy eyelids and a wrecked body.

Is it that my passion is right before me and I can’t identify it or should I hope to embark upon something someday which would take away my anhedonia. In the same pursuit, I’ve started so many things, but never really went too far with any of them.

Am I living a life someone would be proud to look back at? What is the thing I’m doing that I’ll be remembered for? Or even I’d have some sense of accomplishment for? From where do I derive a sense of satisfactionand contentment which would give me enough energy and enthusiasm to go on.

I may or may not like, but the show must go on.. so why not play a role in the show and make it a worthwhile attempt!

And then I’m reminded of Alice… the one in wonderland……

'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'

'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.

'I don't much care where --' said Alice.

'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.'

'--so long as I get somewhere,' Alice added as an explanation.

~ Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

Now, I don't know where it's going to head..but usually I'm pretty much capable of philosophising to no end.. about the 'one life' and why you need to 'live it to the full'.

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